Late last night I found myself feeling discouraged at the end of a long day. And I found myself doing something I don't do very often: visiting the archives of this blog.
I don't know why I don't think to do that more often. I will often wend my way through pages of old journal (the physical journal notebooks I still keep, albeit less often than I used to) to mine them for quotes, snippets of half-finished poems, bits of half-shaped creativity, insights into struggles. And maybe that's the point. My private journal often feels like a work-in-progress (more like me) and something that I can turn to to find ongoing sustenance as I keep journeying on.
My blog, simply because it is a blog, feels somehow tidier and more complete. First of all, it gets broadcast -- it's "out there" -- ostensibly for anyone to read. And it looks so darn organized, with those neat little blogger functions tying up each month in a bow and then each year in a bundle. For the past couple of years, I've even "tagged" my posts, so I can go back and sort them according to category. All in all, it's just a very different way of writing and thinking.
But it's still me, and I'm still and forever a work in progress, which means plenty of ragged and half-finished creative moments. So when I felt a nudge from the Lord last night to go back and look over some posts from the first couple of years, I did.
And I found this, from a post written about 3 1/2 years ago, a piece of a post which I could have almost written again last night. The challenging issues in my daughter's life have changed; the physical season has changed (though not the crazy work schedules and the tiredness); my ongoing struggles to do what I'm called to do haven't. In some ways that's frustrating, in other ways comforting. At least I know these are the edges God has been working on in me for a long time. And I can trust his hands.
"Being patient with myself and loving myself is far harder. Why? I'm not sure. I'm tired right now; I do realize that. Winter is long and cold and icy in our neck of the woods, and D. and I have been working far too many hours and juggling far too many things. We haven't had a really refreshing break in I don't know how long. When I get depleted like this, I am more susceptible to letting myself be shaped by discouragement and untruths. I need to stop doing that, because that kind of behavior hurts me. (Sounds familiar -- sounds like the kinds of things I say to S.!)
So I will try not to listen to the lie that I am a bad parent, and a failure as a mom and a teacher. My daughter is struggling with something that she needs to overcome; I need to find creative ways to be patient enough with myself and with her to help her overcome it. This isn't the first hill we've faced together, and it won't be the last. Grounded in prayer, we're going to keep on climbing."
2 comments:
I can SO relate to this--I think most of us can. I'm doing Beth Moore's "Believing God" Bible study right now, and it has been an excellent challenge to me about walking by faith. She talked last week about the idea of "spiritual CPR"--we breath in God by reading and believing His promises and then breath out Truth by speaking the promises and Scripture and prayers out loud, to ourselves, the Lord, and others. Much as I hate the idea, I guess we aren't done til Heaven.
Edna, I like the image of "spiritual CPR" -- breathing in/breathing out God's truth. One of my favorite breath prayers is "More of Jesus/less of me"!
I did a Beth Moore study several years ago, the one on King David. She's a gifted teacher.
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